


The Written Word

by MiHnn



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Romance, Sexual Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-17
Updated: 2012-04-17
Packaged: 2017-11-03 19:31:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/385055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiHnn/pseuds/MiHnn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear Reader,</p>
<p>The Truth must be told and its fatal duty has fallen upon your small and brittle shoulders. May you be guided by the truth of my word. </p>
<p>Sincerely,<br/>R.S.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Written Word

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ingberry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ingberry/gifts).



> Ingberry : Not what you were expecting, I'm sure. But I'd like to think that I used all of your prompts. I hope you enjoy this :)
> 
> Note : No beetles were harmed during the writing of this story.

Dear Reader,

If you have found this then that would mean one thing: after many successful years as a reporter, I, Rita Skeeter, the beauty of the _Daily Prophet_ , have suffered an untimely (and I hope peaceful) death due to the brilliant investigative work I have performed in my career. Rest assured, you have been chosen after many hours of extensive research because of your love for my column and the enthusiasm you have shown throughout the years from the posting of your encouraging letters. I have given explicit instructions to my assistant (a boy around thirteen years who has an unwavering love for Galleons) to post this box to you if anything were to ever ‘happen’ to me. I hope this letter finds you in good spirits, for I can assure you that after my death, I will surely be in good ‘spirits’ too.

You will find a relatively long list at the bottom of this box detailing names and motives from the most likely to the least likely suspects that could be responsible for, what I can only assume to be my ‘fatal accident’. I would be most happy if you could be a dear and turn it in to the proper authorities. However, I would be remiss not to warn you of the latter half of the list which consists of names of authoritative figures who might enjoy the thought of my demise. It is best to go to the Minister himself because my death is surely a conspiracy.

Dear Reader, as I am dead, this is your time to shine and be a reporter like I once was. I implore you to use the information I have sent and write an article that I would be proud of. Publish it, for there isn’t a fool who would turn down a story that has quite so much scandal, especially one that centres around a popular Muggle-born, Golden Trio member and a well-known turn-cloak, former Death Eater. (Please note that Draco Malfoy has been listed as number five on the list ‘Those Likely to Kill Me’ and Hermione Granger has been placed as number fifteen on the list ‘Those Likely to Leave Me Stranded to Die A Natural Death’).

What I am about to tell you is going to be conveyed in the strictest confidence. I pray that you would use the papers I have sent as proof to write an article that would shake the wizarding world to its core.

I would first like to bring your attention to the advertisement in the classifieds of the Daily Prophet dated 21.05.2002. You would have noticed that I have circled the advertisement in question with a red-ink quill.

It was a classified advertisement of an auction that was to be held by the Malfoy family within the month at Bloomington’s, the famous auction house in magical London. There were several items listed, including a charmed music box made out of a dragon’s tooth. Naturally, as a lover of antiques, I was intrigued by the use of a dragon's tooth (for they are quite rare), and I decided to attend this auction. Imagine my surprise when I ran into an old friend just moments before I took my seat. She might have grown older and even a little taller but I could recognise those frizzy, unruly, awful brown curls anywhere. Hermione Granger even glared at me from across the room. I couldn’t imagine why; I never did anything to the girl.

We took our seats—mine happened to be just behind Ms Granger—and the auction commenced. It was all quite boring, actually. A painting here, a quill there, and I couldn’t help but think that the famous Malfoy taste for extravagance was wholly exaggerated. But before the item I had in my sights could be brought forward, another item was introduced.

It was the first edition of _Hogwarts, A History_. A book of historical significance, of course, but it looked too used to be appreciated, and it was rather unappealing.

The moment the bidding on that item started, I wasn’t at all surprised to see Ms Granger’s arm pierce the air with practised precision. The bidding continued with two others who dropped out easily as Ms Granger met each bid with her own. Just as it appeared that she had won the book, another bidder appeared and raised the bid with his own paddle. Murmuring could be heard all around, for no one expected Draco Malfoy to bid on his own item. His expression was one of meeting a challenge, and when I turned once more to face the auctioneer, I couldn’t help but notice how Ms Granger’s lips were pursed with irritation as she looked back at the young Mr Malfoy. The look they shared was most…interesting. I would be lying if I said I didn’t take great pleasure in seeing their eyes meet before the auction continued. Mr Malfoy won the battle as predicted. He has the larger vault, after all. But I found myself distracted from my own personal interests by the actions of these two former Hogwarts students. I couldn’t help but notice (since it was a happy coincidence that I was close to Ms Granger the rest of the afternoon and happened to be near her just as she left) the look that passed between them as she made her way out of the auction house. Imagine my surprise at how distracted Mr Malfoy was by her departure; so distracted in fact, that he didn’t pay attention to Astoria Greengrass, his bride to be. I could sense scandal, and I knew research had to be done.

I found that Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger were both taken on as interns the year before under Gerald Roger, the current head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and rumoured cross-dresser whenever his wife leaves for Diagon Alley. Their altercations were legendary, and I was told by a reliable source that their dislike for each other was apparent from the very beginning. I have even enclosed, with this letter, the fifty-two complaints by one or the other that were sent in while in the hopes of getting the person they disliked most transferred out of their department.

You will notice that Ms Granger had mentioned her main reasons for requesting Mr Malfoy’s transfer were due to laziness, broodiness, unhappy behaviour, his sarcastic tone and his need to do the exact opposite of what she had instructed him to do. Mr Malfoy’s complaint had simply been one sentence constantly repeated: her hair is bloody distracting, and it makes for a hostile work environment. As an example, he even mentioned how a young intern, Fletcher Broome, considered taking his own life when forced to see the hideousness of that hair every day and how he, Draco Malfoy, heroically saved the boy’s life by ‘accidentally’ cursing Ms Granger’s hair to turn into weeds, which was, apparently, more pleasing to the eye.

There was an inquiry into this incident, but Mr Malfoy was found innocent since it was proved that Ms Granger had ‘without malice’ hexed his files the day before to form words that stated highly embarrassing facts regarding Mr Malfoy and his non-existent skills in the bedroom. In her defence, it was all because Mr Malfoy had stolen a client from her the week before. Although, Mr Malfoy did say that he was simply taking back a client that she had poached from him, and he was quoted as to saying, “You can’t win against me, Granger.” If I’m not mistaken, she gave him claws for a day for being ‘too cocky’.

This hostile behaviour continued undeterred for five months until one day the complaints seemed to stop. After further investigation by a few other employees, it was brought to my attention that the young Mr Malfoy and Ms Granger had stopped interacting all together. You can imagine how intriguing this was. I simply had to find out the reason.

It was with more investigative success on my end that I managed to track down a former employee, Freddie Cradle, who was a former mail-boy who was employed at the Department of Magical Law Enforcement until just before the personality switch of Ms Granger and Mr Malfoy took place. In the letter requesting termination, Mr Cradle mentioned that he had found the job ‘too traumatic’ and ‘wished to go back to simpler times’. It took two dozen Chocolate Frog Cards for Mr Cradle to say that he did, in fact, see something traumatic.

It was a regular Wednesday evening and he was picking up the mail that was to be sent out by owls from each employee’s desks when he heard a sound come from a partially closed office door. Curious, young Mr Cradle, innocent that he was, simply snuck quietly until he could see what was happening inside the office. He had thought that everyone had already left for the day and therefore found it curious that a blond man would be between the legs of a woman who was sprawled on the desk underneath him. The poor boy was traumatised by the blatant sexual activity of two Ministry employees. However, he did mention how perfectly perky the woman’s exposed breasts had been and that he fully understood why the man felt the need to place his lips on them. He then went on to explain, quite sadly I might add, how he had never made a girl moan like that. Like I stated before, the poor, poor boy.

All it took were two newspaper clippings with images of Ms Granger and Mr Malfoy for me to confirm the couple cavorting within the sacred building of the Ministry of Magic. I was deeply disturbed when he asked to keep the picture of Ms Granger.

It is my understanding that Ms Granger and Mr Malfoy had no more than one or two physical ‘interactions’ since it was reported by all that they were awkward around each other after young Mr Cradle mysteriously quit his job. I was told there was no eye contact, that they would go out of their ways to avoid each other and that, while before Ms Granger and Mr Malfoy couldn’t stop talking about each other, after the incident, they wouldn’t even utter each other’s names.

This behaviour only seemed to have gotten worse two months later when Mr Malfoy’s engagement was announced to Astoria Greengrass, the daughter of a patron of relatively new money and fine things.

Hermione Granger requested a transfer the very next day.

I know you must be thinking that this was all simply a guessing game with no proof. Rest assured, the plot gets thicker.

A few months passed before the news of Ms Granger’s new boy-toy was all over the _Daily Prophet_. I have added a few articles (with plenty of pictures) for your viewing pleasure.

The famous Irish Seeker, Neal McNair, who was known for being the first Quidditch player to ever catch the Snitch a record-breaking sixty-seven times in a row, met Ms Granger at a charity event that I heard he was forced to attend. They started dating immediately, and this romance was documented by the press because of the sheer star power this couple brought to England and Ireland.

It was four months later when an argument transpired between Ms Granger and Mr Malfoy in a very public place. On the streets of Diagon Alley, exposed by all, Ms Granger was seen slapping Mr Malfoy across his cheek before storming off in a right huff. A female witness stated how positively attractive Mr Malfoy had looked while angry and dishevelled.

A week after that, at a Quidditch game where Neal McNair was playing, it was reported that there was an altercation between Mr McNair and Mr Malfoy. Words were exchanged, glares were abundant, and Astoria Greengrass was seen drinking copious amounts of Firewhisky throughout the game.

Two days after that, Mr McNair and Mr Malfoy were both incarcerated overnight for a drunken brawl, and four days after that, the engagement of Astoria Greengrass and Draco Malfoy was called off.

You might be thinking that this was simply what it seemed, but I was convinced that this story had so much more. I was rewarded when a week later the _Daily Prophet_ spoke of the end of the romance of Neal McNair and Hermione Granger.

Therefore, it is my conclusion, as I am sure it is yours, that Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger were shagging, and it became so serious that no other relationship would do. I don’t know if they are in love and I simply don’t care. For now, let us assume that Ms Granger will be expecting a nice surprise in nine months.

I hope what I have given you is sufficient, and I hope you use this opportunity to become famous. After all, isn’t that what we all want?

One more thing, dear. I understand that you would be the one writing the article, but it would be lovely if you would mention my name as a co-author. I am, after all, the person who did all the research, and it would be a great laugh for wizards and witches all over Britain to think of me as ‘writing from the dead’. If you don’t…well…I’m not one to judge, but if I do plan on staying in this life as a ghost (unfinished business and all that), always know that I will be watching you.

I say that in all good fun, of course. But that is probably very true.

Remember, I’ll always be ~~watching you~~ watching over you.

Yours affectionately,

Rita Skeeter  
Former Reporter/Journalist  
 _The Daily Prophet._

* * *

The last of the documents were tossed onto the large pile of articles and boxes before a wand was raised and it all went up in flames.

Draco lowered his wand and turned towards her. “It’s done.”

Hermione pulled the jar from her robes where a small beetle resided before she brought the jar up to her eye level and glared at the insect meaningfully. “No one will ever know.” She waited a moment, watching for a small twitch of the beetle to show that it understood her before she lifted the lid, put down the jaw on the nearest table so it was sideways, giving ample chance for the creature to crawl out of the glass prison. “Don’t make me blackmail you again,” Hermione said with a tired sigh.

Draco and Hermione left Rita Skeeter to turn back to her human form, a small pout of annoyance forming on her lips from seeing all of her precious work destroyed. If they thought they had won, they had another thing coming, for she was determined to break the news come death or Dementor.

After all, who in their right mind would turn down the chance to report such a scandal? They might have destroyed all the evidence she had, but there was more to come. Because unlike all of her other stories that she had previously reported on, this was completely true.

The thought was sudden, but Rita Skeeter suddenly realised that she had to re-search, re-do and re-write everything the little brat and her piss-poor lover destroyed.

_“Bollocks!”_


End file.
